I'll be the first to admit that I don't know how, as an adult, to make friends. There is a barrier that exists between me and others. No matter how much I get along, no matter how similar my tastes or humor is to another's and despite all the good-will and inside jokes; things never seem to solidify into something more real. The take-a-bullet-for-you kind of friendship. The loan-you-my-last-ten-dollars kind of friendship. Why?
A few nights ago, I stayed at work very late, much to the ire of my girlfriend, just talking. Mutual self-disclosure. How much I hate that term, "self-disclosure." Clinical, really... as though it were the only thing that existed to meaningful relationships. But, I divulged things that I had once promised to myself that I would never again tell another person.
It was amazing and much needed. But, still. There is a distance.
I was once a very outgoing, and probably charismatic person and even then I bemoaned the shallowness of social interaction. Never been one for small talk, as I don't see the point. I either tell you everything, or don't trust you enough to tell you anything. Why?
It comes so much easier to other people. I see it, The genuine interest in people. The closeness. The casual intimacy.
I am not destined for such things, and fear that because of it-- I may never find real happiness. The ever-elusive happiness.
Not sure that I even know what that is, anymore.
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